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Never trust anyone who says “Im not supposed to tell anyone but”
I’m the kind of girl that would eat Doritos on her wedding day & accidentally wipe her hands on her dress.
My ex wife claims I have "commitment issues" like I didn`t just wait in line for 30 minutes to get a hot dog at Costco.
It doesn`t matter how old you are, If you hear the ice cream truck jingle you jump out the window for that sh!t.
I don`t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
The good thing about being 6' 6? is that if I develop a bald patch, no one will see it..Unless you’re using Google Earth.
I always tell my kids that it`s ok to make mistakes as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
I took a pic of my self a few days ago. Now I`m playing with it. Yeah...I`m playing with my selfie.
I don’t know what it is but, it’s on sale.
Nothing good goes into a microwave at 2:00am.
Why get married when you can just drive into oncoming traffic?
I guess I`m somewhat of a big deal, when I tell people about my accomplishments, they always say, "Big deal."
Daylight Saving Time rocks. It even makes laziness sound impressive. I did nothing for 24 hours? Not today. I did nothing for 25 hours!
24 astronauts were born in Ohio.....What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She`s 97 today and we don`t know where the hell she is.