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Redneck word of the day: Twerk "Imma have one more beer then imma get back twerk!"
I`m pretty sure my guardian angel just sits there watching me suffer, while rolling her eyes and painting her nails.
A Waist Is A Terrible Thing To Mind
Doing word problems as a kid has helped me in adulthood. "Dan doesn`t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?"
I love long walks on the beach under the moonlight, poetry, candlelight dinners, and having my a$$ spanked with a fuzzy slipper.
It’s not that I don’t want kids, it’s just that I don’t want a minivan.
It doesn`t matter if the shoe fits or not, I`m still shoving it up your a$$.
I`m painting a blue square in my garden, so that Google Earth thinks I have a pool.
"Paypal me your lunch money!" -Cyber Bullies
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It`s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
I consider each one of my friends a gift. Now if only I could remember where I put some of those receipts.
Just because I’m smiling, doesn’t mean I don’t want to hit you in the face.
For some reason, I`m an extremely secretive person. Don`t ask me why!
When I`m bored, I like to superglue Doritos to my cat and make it run around the house like a stegosaurus.
My girlfriend says I need to grow up. I think she`s just angry I didn`t give her the password to my pillow fort.