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Hi, welcome to adulthood! You`ll be constantly tired except for right before you need to go to sleep.
I like restaurants because the people have to be nice and feed you.
What do sleeping and sex have in common? ... I`m not getting nearly enough of either.
I always confuse the words exotic and erotic. That made for a very awkward conversation at my local pet store.
Well, if anything, the Mayans did teach us one valuable lesson. If you don`t finish something...it`s really not the end of the world.
Hey ladies, I just love "Austrailian" kissing...it`s a lot like "French" kissing only Down Under!
If a woman asks if she looks fat, it’s not enough to say “no.” You must also act very surprised by the question. Jump backwards if necessary
When you`re tucking your kids in at night, read them a few select Facebook statuses, kiss them on the forehead and whisper "This is why we must stay in school."
The TV is so loud! But not quite loud enough to make me get up and get the remote.
I just ate 3 whole chickens ... they were hard boiled.
I sure do feel a whole lot more attractive at WalMart than I do at the gym.
Ummm,, Can we just admit we may have taken this anybody can grow up to be President thing a bit too far.
I am having one of those days where my middle finger answers every question.
i hate that the sun comes up so early
I think a clear conscience is really just memory loss