Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
In marijuana`s defense, I`m lazy as sh!t completely sober too.
Based on the condition of my hair in the morning, I`d say there`s a 100% chance my hair has more fun than I do when I sleep.
So far I`m 0 for 276 for walking around the block in hopes of finding a bag of money on the side of the road.
Just give me coffee and no one gets hurt.
My friend says to me, "What rhymes with orange?" I said, "No it doesn`t."
I’ve noticed the less open-minded someone is, the more open-mouthed they tend to be.
My relationship with whiskey has been on the rocks lately
I knew we were gonna be friends when you ran into that wall.
Never trust a married guys opinion of who’s hot. It’s like asking a starving guy what food tastes good.
Inventor of camping: "Hey, let`s go pretend to be homeless."
I’ve got about as much self control as two rabbits on a first date!
Every time I`m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
It`s not that I like watching midget porn, it`s just that my phone screen is too small to watch regular porn.
TIP OF THE DAY: If you can`t afford porn, just turn on tennis and shut your eyes.
The first 5 days after the weekend are always the hardest....