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I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.
first show me the benefits and then I`ll decide if we can be friends.
After dinner I like to sit in the garden in my underwear and smoke a cigarette.....but apparently that`s not done at this hotel....
Home is where the pants aren`t.
Iām not a picky eater or anything but I will look at both sides of a Dorito before I eat it to decide if its got a good cheesy dust ratio.
I`m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone "I`m ok, I`m ok"
I`m always on the verge of running three miles, or drinking a bottle of Vodka
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
It`s such a cold winter this year that the squirrels are collecting more nuts than usual. So far 3 of my neighbors have disappeared...
I have a million dollar idea that I will share with the first million people to send me a dollar.......
It turns out that 3 is the amount of times you can suck on your dentist`s finger before she stops believing that you`re doing it accidentally.
Job interview tip: repeatedly ask if you`re under oath
"Please take a seat" was a bad introduction for a Kleptomaniacs` Anonymous meeting.
Designated Driver is just a nicer way of saying, you can come with us, but nobody wants to deal with your drunk a$$.
I`ve accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.