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Somehow I thought growing up would involve more than staring at my phone
I’m shy at first, but once I’m comfortable with you get ready for some crazy sh!t.
"There`s nothing sexier than a chick that knows how to work on cars" -Dudes, trying to get us to do that job too.
And we all have that one friend who has more blonde moments than an actual blonde.
I found $40 in my jeans. The kid in me says "Buy dart guns and candy", but the adult in me says "Buy vodka, dart guns and candy".
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He said thanks how do you know I’m not a serial killer? I replied the chances of two serial killer’s being in the same car are astronomical.
Someone asked me how much love was worth and I couldn’t answer because alimony is calculated differently in each state.
L`oréal`s mascara makes your lashes 60% longer? Wow! They should make condoms.
My wife has spent all day arguing that she isn`t stubborn...
I wish these people who sing songs on the radio would learn the words to the song, they keep messing me up!!
Still haven`t cashed in my winning megamillions ticket...scared the $6 will make my friends treat me different.
I need to find a job where I am paid solely on how awesome I am.
I was wondering why some couples don`t go to the gym together but I guess some relationships just don`t work out...
Doing donuts in the parking lot sounds fun. Eating donuts in the parking lot sounds better.
I think a clear conscience is really just memory loss