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What is it about paper towels that makes me always want to use more than one?
I still believe in love. But I also believe in sasquatch, nessy, and that I could win the lottery. So there`s that....
If you can´t afford to go on vacation, you can always drink until you don´t know where you are.
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary. Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shi t.
Apparently a new study shows that unattractive men make better mates. Nice try, ugly scientists.
Whenever I move into a new neighborhood, the first thing I familiarize myself with is the liquor store coz you know priorities.
I have learned that pleasing everyone is impossible…but pissing everyone off is easy and fun as hell!
Before asking a hot chick out, I wish I could first talk to the dude who`s sick of her bullsh!t.
Lesson Learned: I poured bleach on the asshole that cut me off at the self-checkout. According to the cop, I misunderstood asshole bleaching.
I`m pretty sure there`s a chip in my car that turns all traffic lights RED...
Well, I`m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
I`m surprised people still ask me if I want to hold their baby given the number of times I`ve dropped and shattered my phone
I got a new marker today that smells like grapes. Thats why I`ve been so quiet.
There are two key elements to success. 1) Never tell anyone everything you know.
There are no absolutes in this world. Except vodka.