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I lose all respect for myself when I bite my own tongue. I`ve been chewing for decades, how did I manage to f*ck that up?
There`s nothing as wonderful as waking up in the morning next to a gorgeous smiling face. So I keep a mirror next to my bed.
Ever have the experience of staring at an outfit hanging in your closet and wondering which of the personalities did the shopping that day?
Mosquito (noun) - Mother Nature`s way of getting you to slap yourself.
If I cover my phone at work with Preparation H, would it filter out the `pains in the butts` from calling?
I can`t even tell what this thing in my fridge use to be.
Please don`t post that political joke you just came up with. . . it really wasn`t that funny to begin with. Thanks for understanding. -the rest of us
"Friendzoned" should be a relationship status on Facebook.
Nothing ruins hump day like not getting humped.
Can you imagine the reaction 20 years ago if you showed people a photo album filled with pictures you took of yourself in the bathroom?
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It`s stopped twerking.
If you`re behind someone at the ATM late at night, let them know you`re not a threat by giving them a gentle kiss on their neck.
There’s gotta be a better use for the part of my brain that remembers every word to “Baby Got Back.”
Gluten free. Dairy free. Fat Free. I love the wine diet!
Found a note on my door today that said ”You’re Awesome!” ... Yes, I wrote it yesturday. But still, the truth is the truth.