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Ask your doctor if walking blindly into traffic is right for you
I wish I budgeted with my whole paycheck as well as I do with the last fifty bucks of it.
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
I screamed a Brazilian times during that waxing.
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back in my toy chest..
Behind every great women is a man checking out her a$$
You are the reason why I bite the heads off teddy grams.
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn`t much, but the reception was excellent.
If a guy remembers the color of your eyes after the first date, you know you have small boobs
Gambling addiction hotlines would do so much better if every fifth caller was a winner.
The only thing I`ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
Remember ... I can always make it look like an accident.
Stop picking on Justin Bieber. That`s somebody`s daughter.
You ever notice that the number of extra steps a drunk takes getting home? ...its staggering!
Vodka mixes well with everything, except decisions.