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What does it mean if the Holy Water sizzles when it hits your skin? (asking for a friend)
If I could go back in time I would put cheese on a lot more things.
A cop just pulled me over -- asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, `Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car`
I love everyone these days... Some I love to be around, some I love to avoid, and others, I`d love to punch in the face...
Whoever figured out the `days of the month correspond with your knuckles` thing had too much time on their hands
Why does everybody call it a "hot water heater?" It`s really a cold water heater.
Drunk people are the only honest ones left.
had a great time horseback riding today but then I ran out of quarters
I`m tired of doing math. I guess I`ll get my lazy as up and fix my clocks today
I`m a very modest person, mostly because I`m awesome.
According to serving sizes tonight, I`m a family of 4.
A secret is what you tell everyone not to tell anyone else.
Opposites attract, that`s the trouble with being awesome
Sarcasm is a body`s natural defense against stupid people
I said my wife`s name three times in front of the bathroom mirror and now my wallet`s empty...