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I`m well on my way to getting absolutely nothing done today.
Do handjobs from girls who speak sign language count as blowjobs
I was playing catch phrase with my family and the phrase I got was `pearl necklace` .. And then I ruined family time...
You had me at “We’ll make it look like an accident.”
“Delete, Block, Ignore” Its too bad getting rid of people in life is not as easy as it is on Facebook..
Step aside coffee, this job is going to take hard liquor.
I wonder when people without cars pick their noses…
It`s pretty neat how owning a pool gives me an excuse to own every chemical needed to make a body completely disappear.
Does anyone else wonder why naked and baked, 2 words that go together SO well, don`t rhyme?? ...I mean, who comes up with these words anyway? lol
If at first you don’t succeed, look in the trash for the instructions
When you are dead, you don`t know you are dead. It`s pain only for others. It`s the same thing when you are stupid.
My wife and I are pretty upset. It looks like someone broke in and surfed porn on my computer. They didn`t touch anything else, so that`s good.
FACT: Men are much less likely to divulge a secret than women. Probably because they weren`t really listening to begin with.
Doing something weird and thinking “this is why I’m single”.
Just bought a car with the money from my swear jar.