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That moment when you realize your children have your twisted sense of humor...And you don`t know whether to be proud or scared.
Don’t text and drive. You don’t want “lol” to be the last thing you say before you die.
How can we call ourselves "evolved" when signs are needed to remind people to wash their hands after they go to the bathroom
Immature is a word boring people use to describe fun people.
Technically, Humpty Dumpty died a crack head
I will always love you, even if I have to from no closer than 300 feet.
Most of my thoughts have been coming from a very dark place lately. That`s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
It’s a good job Apple isn’t in charge of New Year. We’d all be expecting 2015 and get 2014S instead.
I wish that we lived in a world where a chicken could cross the road without getting its motives questioned.
I wake up everyday planning to be productive and then a voice in my head says “haha good one” and we laugh and laugh and take a nap.
Just when you want to be a good person again , someone new to stalk shows up
Don’t you hate it when spiders bite you and you get like zero superpowers?
Pizza will never tell you you`re fat unless you`re high as sh!t, then pizza is probably suggesting you fight an aardvark to lose weight.
From now on when I accept a friend request I`ll just write on their wall: You belong to me now.
If you think husbands aren`t good listeners, whisper "Come here, I`m naked" from anywhere in the house and see what happens.