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Late to bed and early to rise, makes me really tired and pissed off.
I have no words to describe this day. I do however have a number of obscene gestures that would work.
Pizza: nah, Sex: eh, Drinking: no thanks, It`s so hard thinking of what to give up for Lent...
My therapist told me today that I need to stop talking to inanimate objects, but I mean he`s just a lamp so what does he really know anyway
All the guys in working out photos look like they`re straining or in pain, but there`s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy. Just saying.
Imagine how freaked out the first human must of been on the first sneeze.
I hate when I`m on Facebook and I`m rudly interrupted by a jogger bouncing off my windshield
Nobody notices your pain, your happiness, your sadness, your state of mind. But everyone notices it when you fart in public
Cut out the middleman and just list 911 as your emergency contact.
People who actually rate porn videos are the unsung heroes of our generation.
I love sleep because its like a time machine to breakfast.
I`m not opposed to manscaping, but I don`t see the point of cutting the grass until somebody takes interest in the property.
Can you imagine if Facebook and Twitter just decided to shut down and you see all these confused people coming out of their house squinting at the sun.
I don’t have a bucket list, but my f*cket list is a mile long.
All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.