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I still miss my ex. But my aim is gettin` better.
I wish I could just “like” a text so I don’t have to respond.
I know money talks but I wish mine had a better vocabulary instead of just ‘Spend me’.
If I gave you a penny for your thoughts I`d totally be expecting some change back.
It`s weird to think that these Forever Stamps will outlive me.
Wouldn’t exercise be more fun if calories screamed while you burned them?
If I have to stir it, it’s homemade.
I feel like doing something productive today. If I sit here long enough, maybe it will go away.
Dear Dr Phil, I was watching my next door neighbor`s wife sunbathing topless from my bedroom window. As I was enjoying myself I turned to notice my lady was just standing there, arms folded...watching me. Is she a pervert?
I have said it before. I will at it again. If anyone is into wife swapping. I will take a dirtbike or a puppy. Hit me up.
Multitasking (verb) - Screwing up several things at once.
Just once I want my skills to be so urgently required that a helicopter is dispatched to pick me up.
I really think my life would be a lot better if my fitness app would just lower its standards
Buying your wife a gun is like saying. "You know, I kinda want to kill myself, but I want it to be a surprise."