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Cop: There was no else going anywhere nearly as fast as you! Me: I know. I was winning.
Showing cleavage doesn’t fix your face.
Big shout out to all the spiders not building their webs at face level.
I avoid online dating sites because they match you up with people who share your interests. I don`t want to go out with a weirdo.
I remember when downloading a song meant trying to tape it off the radio while hoping the DJ didn´t talk over the song.
The only reason I keep my land line is for the eventuality that this is The Matrix.
The only sit up I do is the one I use to get out of bed.
Dear Car driving 40mph on the highway this morning. It`s only a 1/4“ of snow plus you have a "Jesus Fish" on your bumper. You`ll be just fine.
Inspirational status of the day: Don’t be a douche.
I’m jealous of a book character for having sex with another character but sure come ask my advice about your marriage.
I was voted `Most Paranoid` by my classmates at school. Although they never admitted it.
"You suck! No, you suck!!" - Two women in a threesome
My rabbit died yesterday… Now he’s just some bunny that I used to know…
I thought there was a spider on the rug but it was just yarn.....it`s dead yarn now, though.
It’s sad how Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his crappy ACME gadgets, and not for his brilliantly realistic paintings of tunnels.