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Yeah, I was dropped as a baby. Into a pool of sheer awesome.
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
You can tell yourself that Sesame Street is educational but Cookie Monster has lived there for like 40 years and still can’t conjugate verbs.
Hey, if it doesn`t work out, we can still be friends. Said no guy ever
The lottery is over $400 million. Sorry poor kids, no dinner tonight...
Who me? Oh I`m just waiting for my husband to apologize for something I did wrong...marriage is fun
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I`ve never been more scared of a drink in all my life.
My Ex-Wife: Our relationship is like being in prison! ME: I don’t think so. People have sex in prison.
In case I drink too much and pass out for a while, Happy New Year you guys.
When I see something funny on the internet, I don’t usually laugh. I just blow more air out of my nose than usual.
Why hasn`t anyone written a sequal song to "Jessie`s Girl" ... Where he discovers what an incredible high maintenance drag she is?
Every time I see a pregnant woman, I very much want to ask if she swallowed a watermelon seed.
I have to be funny because being hot is not an option.
Life gets expensive when you trust a woman that`s cute.
Thinks that some of you make impulsive, poor thought out decisions. We should totally hang out more!!!