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I wonder if Oscar the Grouch has a hipster cousin somewhere that lives in a recycling bin.
"Rear facing, pedal activated photon cannon" sounds much more badass than "brake lights"
I`d be willing to sleep my way to the top if it actually meant sleeping.
I typed bitch into my GPS and guess what? I`m in your drive way. Vroom, vroom mother f*%ker.
When I arrive at work, how long can I spend screaming in my car before it becomes weird?
I don`t know about you . But everytime I go on Twitter , I get this weird feeling , I am being followed.
I`m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out. We are going to watch tv.
Anyone who wastes my time is a clocksucker.
The only thing worse than sitting on a cold toilet seat is sitting on a warm one.
A normal person is just someone you don`t know well enough yet.
Please, please don`t be a bitch to me. Because then I`ll have to be a bitch back and I can do it better than you.
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn`t amused when I said, "I don`t think it`s working"
They`ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that`s been open for more than 2 years.
My friend won a trip to China. He´s out there now... trying to win a trip back.
I really think my life would be a lot better if my fitness app would just lower its standards