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So tell me, does it hurt to be so full of sh!t?
Business Plan: 1. Hold sign that says "Free Hugs" 2. Whisper during the hug, "it`s $50 to let go"
Have you ever been so hungry you accidentally called someone sandwich?
Since smart watches can now read your pulse, there should be a feature that erases your browser history if your heart stops beating...
It`s ok, ghosts, no-one believes in me either.
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don`t have to share.
Guys, if she says she`s crazy, she`s harmless. The real crazy ones never give you a damn clue.
Inventor of camping: "Hey, let`s go pretend to be homeless."
Guy at Dairy Queen was yelling at everybody because they didn`t have waffle cones but they had pictures of waffle cones. That guy was me.
If I could have a superpower, it would be the ability to watch people workout and then absorb their health benefits...
Grabbed Pizza Roll. Thought "my god that is so hot it`s burning my fingers" and immediately popped it in my mouth ... I`m a goddamn genius.
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
The only honest people in the world are small children and me after a couple cocktails.
When one door closes it`s probably because someone shut it.
People ask me why I don`t have tattoos. Seriously, would you put a bumper sticker on a Lambourghini?