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Why go to a therapist when a woman will explain everything wrong about you free of charge?
Never buy the first round cause that`s when people care what they`re drinking!
Anyone know when Facebook is sending us our W-2`s?
You look over-medicated. What`s your doctor`s name?
Just been informed that my spirit animal is Eeyore.
I think I will start calling my wife "My Customer" since she is always right...
Do you ever order a club sandwich just to feel like you`re a part of something?
You can learn a lot from a person especially when you watch them through high powered binoculars, I`m just saying.
I`m at the age where an "all-nighter" just means I didn`t have to get up to pee.
Stages of Drunk: 1. Wow. I can dance. 2. All hats look GOOD on me. 3. Shhh. Don`t wake up the cows.
Today, I`m really gonna give it my nothing
I would just like to personal thank all the people in my life that have caused me so many problems, for making me the as$ I am today!
Guys, if she says she’s crazy, she’s harmless. The real crazy ones never give you a damn clue.
Facebook where I am surrounded with people but still no one can see me biting my toe nails or picking my nose :-D
When I "rage against the machine" the machine is usually a printer.