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Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I`m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild
Why do people ask “What the hell were you thinking?” Obviously I was thinking I was going to get away with it and not have to explain it.
1: Say "Unh! 2: Mumble three spanish words. 3: list four cities. You just made a Pitbull song.
Whew! Thank you warning label I was actually considering using my new floor lamp in the shower.
Facebook made billions by saying “Hey, remember that kid you haven’t seen since the third grade? He’s a parent who hates Obama now.”
The hostess said to sit wherever I want, but the couple at this table are giving each other weird looks and have totally stopped talking.
Everything is a boomerang if you throw it upwards.
One day I shall rule the World! Until then, I am going to bed. Good Night :D
I probably shouldn’t have driven home from the bar last night ... Especially as I walked there in the first place.
I`ve noticed that the squirrels are gathering nuts for the winter. Couple of my friends are missing...
As a future ghost, I`m kinda bummed out about the dress code.
Considering this is the land of the free, stuff is pretty damn expensive.
Those days where you don`t take anyone`s sh!t ... Yeah, today is one of those days.
So I wanted to publicly apologize for not doing the ice bucket challenge for everyone that nominated me. I don`t give money to charity, unless she is on stage B at 11:30.
My horoscope says I will meet the woman of my dreams today. Not sure how my wife will take the news but I`m pretty damn excited.