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If you have a problem with me please write it nicely on a piece of paper, put it in an envelope, fold it and shove it up your a$$
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I`d choke to death swallowing it.
In wine there is wisdom. In beer there is strength. In water there is bacteria. You decide.
It’s not a great nap, unless you wake up and can’t remember what day it is.
The next time you feel you’re worthless…. just remember…. your organs are worth a LOT of money on the black market.
MY 8 YEAR OLD: "Walrus testicles are called walnuts."
I don’t care if we don’t talk, your existence still pisses me off.
These Days everything is really starting to Click!.......My knee`s, my elbows, and the rest of my joints!
Picking up someone at a bar when you`re drunk, is like going to the grocery store hungry... You end up taking home crap you didn`t want
I stopped watching the History Channel because it`s so outdated.
My goal in life: Build a time machine and travel forward into the future until I can stop and ask someone "Do you know what `buffering` is?" and they are clueless.
I had your cake and ate it too.
Neil Armstrong was the first human being to step foot on the moon. Neil A. backwards spells "Alien"
Some people are flirting with my delete & block button