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I got drunk last night and watched the most hilarious television show for hours until I sobered up and realized it was just a mirror.
The only "B" word you should call a woman is "beautiful"... B!tches love being called beautiful.
I have to wonder why we have "non-essential" government employees in the first place.
The toughest part of a job interview is finding the exact right moment to go in for the kiss.
When I`m sad, I sing...Then I realise my voice is worse than my problems.
Remember ladies, if on your 10th selfie you don’t have the perfect one to post you’re really just ugly.
I`d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we`re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser..
I`m going to go take a hot shower, it`s like a normal shower but with me in it
I`m not mental, other wise the rubber duckies would have told me by now...
i wonder if fish get thirsty .
How many “friend-zoned” guys does it take to change a light bulb? None they’ll just compliment it and get pissed when it won’t screw.
I just slammed hard on the brakes and found 3 lighters, $4.67 in change, condom box, empty flask, half an 1/8th, and a puppy.
Apple and Blackberry should team up and make a phone called the Pie.
The nice thing about living in the southern states is that "He needed killing" is a valid legal defense here.
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said "Never mind."