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Did you guys know grammar police rhymes with humorless a$$hole?
My wife and I are dieting now… and by dieting, I mean we’re not telling each other about the junk food we eat.
Saying an actors performance was unbelievable is actually an insult.
“I’ll be speaking with my lawyer” is the adult version of saying “I`m telling mom”
The term "bath toys" has a whole new meaning when you`re an adult
Roses are red, Facebook is blue, no mutual friends, who the F#%K are you?
Every morning I check my girlfriends horoscope to see what kind of day I`m going to have.
You can`t fix stupid, but you can always drink more beer.
Whatever it is ... I didn´t do it!
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags! She must be losing it! Who threatens someone with a vacation?
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
If you`re going to walk a mile in my shoes, could you pick me up some booze on your way back?
Just saw the previews for the movie Taken 3, you would think by now he would`ve gave his daughter self-defense and gun lessons?
If you’re telling me to relax, it’s probably your fault that I’m not.
Despite its name, Gatorade is pretty much fatal to alligators. I’m not allowed to volunteer at the zoo anymore.