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Me, watching the Olympics: "That was impressive." Announcer: "ANOTHER DISASTROUS MISTAKE!"
I force my dog to watch animal abuse commercials just to show him how good he has it.
10 years from now: “Dad, how did you meet mom? Well, your mom had the hottest profile pic…so I had to friend request that.”
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they`d never get caught.
Walmart: the only place on Earth you can get a haircut, eye exam, ice cream sandwich, tires for your car, and witness a real life "what not to wear" episode.
Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you`ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you.
It`s been scientifically proven that originally there were only five fruit cakes ever made!
My downstairs neighbor thinks I`m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that`s what she wrote in her diary.
When people say "To be honest...", it means that up to that point they`ve been lying.
The only thing I drink from a shot glass nowdays is Maalox.
Condoms prevent minivans.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means
What I lack in sex appeal I make up in staying home and drinking.
It’s amazing how everyone cries for free speech until someone says something that they don’t like.
I don`t use cocaine, I just like the way it smells.