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Life is basically trying to meet better people than the ones you currently know.
Unless you fell off the treadmill and smacked your face, nobody wants to hear about your workout.
I miss being the age when I thought I would have my sh!t together by the age I am now.
When I hear someone say, "chicken pot pie," I get excited three times.
I took out an ad for a girlfriend recently and 10 guys tried to give me theirs.
Some of the best decisions I`ve ever made involved me clicking cancel instead of send
Stop complaining about the rain. Cause rain makes corn and corn makes whiskey.
I don`t care how old I am, if I go out to eat and there are crayons and paper place mats with puzzles...GAME ON!!
If I was gonna make a bomb, I`d use the same color wire for the whole thing.
I see you’re playing stupid. Looks like you’re winning too.
I`m the perfect man if you don`t factor in looks, depth of character, emotional availability, intelligence or financial well being.
You haven’t truly won an argument until the other person says “whatever.”
roses are red violets are blue da shit in my back yard looks jus like you
If the cupcake has some green sprinkles on it, it`s a vegetable, right?
Good thing I got a college degree I think as I put away the kid toys for the 49 billionth time