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My goal today is to lose this hangover and earn another
Always have a goal. Example: Turn as much alcohol into urine as you can.
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
Your eyes are so beautiful. If you look deep enough i can see my own reflection...
"He sure seems like a nice young man" is Grandma-speak for "I`d totally hit that."
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I`d like to read a prescription bottle that says, "May cause extreme sexiness."
SOCIAL WORKER: cop without a gun, judge without a gavel.
Sometimes you can just tell it`s going to be a "Does not play well with others" kind of day.
Know why girls cross their arms when they`re angry? Boobs. Just a little reminder of who`s in charge around here.
Iām tired of chasing my dreams, I`m just going to ask them where their going and meet them there later.
What I lack in good decisions, I make up for in inappropriate behavior.
Falling out of bed the fun way. Oh wait, there isn`t a fun way....
I would like my FB friends to know that the opinions and comments I make on FB in no way reflect the actual thoughts, opinions or actions of me, or my family. Its all for fun. The only posts that I actually mean are the same ones you agree with.
The reason swans mate for life is because they don`t talk.
I secretly like days when none of my Facebook friends have birthdays.