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I`m not really your friend until I start insulting you on a daily basis.
I always get hammered before I go jogging, that way I never go jogging.
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
People who don`t know what they want should not use the drive thru!
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
You know its cold out ......when you go outside..... and it`s cold out
I don`t "get lost". I find creative ways to get places I didnt know I wanted to go.
Don`t ``Wine and dine`` me ... ``Champagne`` me ... step it up a notch
Pizza gal reads my order back to me and says,"You have one large thick sausage, anything else?" With a smirk I reply,"Yes, I`d also like to order a pizza."
People should be loved. Things should be used. Unfortunately, we have it backwards
WOW! This gym thing is a lot harder than it looked on Instagram.
MY 8 YEAR OLD: "Walrus testicles are called walnuts."
Me: *kisses her on both cheeks goodbye* Cashier: That`s really not necessary
B!tch, please! You`re so fake, even barbie is jealous of you
A friend like you is worth a million dollars. So, if you don’t mind…can I sell you?