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"Just be yourself" doesn`t work if you suck.
Saw some idiot put a water bottle where the Pringles go on the treadmill.
I`m as nutty as a squirell fart
Could you guys just scroll a little? I was really funny yesterday.
Im going to a parking lot and put sticky notes on people`s cars saying "sorry for the damage." Then watching the magic.
I am a little worried that every "evacuation route" sign is leading away from my house.
WEB MD should have a simple answer like “Calm down-you probably just ate too many cookies!”
Someone asked me today if ive ever been with two women at the same time. But why would I want to disappoint two women at the same time?
You can`t always control who walks in to your life but you can control which window to throw them out.
I am not judging you...I already decided I don`t like you
If I share something clever and witty on Facebook, don’t try and out clever me with your comment. I don’t come over and blow out your candles on your cake.
You fake your smile daily, then judge people for getting a fake tan.
Does shaking the vending machine count as working ...
Pandora has taught me that a lot of the music I love is very similar to music I absolutely hate
Stages of beard length: 1.) sexy stubble 2.) sea captain 3.) prisoner of war 4.) homeless person 5.) wizard