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7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
You don`t see faith healers working in hospitals, just like you don`t see psychics winning the lottery every week.
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on the internet right now.
The boss keeps talking about a company 401k ... I don`t think I can run that far
Are you always this stupid? or are you just making special effort today...
Anything can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
Dear Kelloggs, Cereal that makes them go back to sleep. Sincerely, Tired parents
I need a "previously on your life" recap for the things I didn`t pay attention to.
Now that I know how many calories there are in a pint of beer , I have decided to stop eating.
It`s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side, my roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing.
It`s the weekend!!! The " Responsible Adult Button" has been switched to OFF!!
My Christmas present to all of you? I took a naked selfie and deleted it.
My home security system is just 15 motion-activated Big Mouth Billy Basses.
People who learned a bunch of stuff must have felt pretty stupid when Wikipedia came out.
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: The one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.