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Put that down you fat piece of sh!t` - the title of the dieting book I`m writing.
How many "zero likes" do you have to get on Facebook before you realize nobody gives a crap about you
I was about to read the story below. But it was too long.
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
I can`t wait for a empty Christmas wrapping paper tube to bonk someone over the head with!
I don`t have mistletoe this year, so we`ll just have to kiss under the influence.
Never trust a married guys opinion of who`s hot. It`s like asking a starving guy what food tastes good.
Okay im going to make myself a sandwich, and i better have some votes when i come back. -.-
If at first you don`t succeed...Do it the way your wife told you to. ;)
Whenever you can`t think of anything to say in therapy just go with, "I`ve been thinking about killing you."
Relationships are not a test... So why cheat?
Just another day of not being rich and famous.
Men use love to get sex. Women use sex to get love. I use coupons to get pizza.
Whoever made up the saying "It`s the thought that counts" never got a pair of crocs for Christmas.
Not a day goes by when I don`t try to use The Force.