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How to win an argument. 1. Have a vagina. 2. That’s it. 3. You win. 4. Congratulations.
Remember when phones were stupid and people were smart?
when my swear jar gets full I`m going to use the money to buy a f*cking puppy
Things I didn`t learn in high school... how to pay bills buy a house apply for college but thank goodness I can graph a polynomial function.
Some people say having a child is the best experience in the world. These people obviously never had 2 thing fall from a vending machine at once.
Give a kid a Pop Tart and they eat for a day. Teach a kid how to make a Pop Tart and you sleep in all summer
Basketball would be a lot more exciting if each team was allowed one bear.
My mom wanted to talk to me about my maturity today, but she didn`t know the password to my secret fort.
I am not looking for a one night stand, 2 hours will be plenty enough.
I found out that middle age is were you finally get your head together and then your body starts falling apart
Five little words that will win my heart, "I brought beer and pizza."
Not sure what my spirit animal is, but I am sure it has rabies
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
I need chapstick on my lips ... anyone want to share ?
I don`t get nearly enough credit for managing not to be a violent psychopath