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Sometimes you run into people who change your life forever ... Bartenders, they are called bartenders.
I`d swim across the ocean for you.. Lol, Just kidding. There`s f*cking sharks in there.
What idiot called it Adderall instead of Accomplish Mints?
All I`m saying is you don`t see many neck tattoos on Jeopardy.
If Wyle E Coyote had enough cash to buy all that ACME stuff why didn’t he just buy dinner?
I just got a paper cut opening a box of Pop Tarts. There will be no more fancy breakfasts around here.
I go into Best Buy and ask "Where are your most expensive yet least guarded items?" Then someone is always nearby when I have questions.
If you want to keep a secret from me, put it inside a Facebook event invitation.
Waterfalls are a beautiful, majestic sight as they pour down upon the rocky crags below. Unless you`re in a canoe and about to plummet to your death. Then waterfalls sorta suck.
Are you reading this from a toilet? I`m writing this from one.
You know who your true friends are when they call you at 3AM just to tell you they love you and that their drunk...
Just once I`d like to see a stripper do the "Carlton" on stage.
My medic alert bracelet warns first responders that I kiss back during CPR
According to the 19 citations I got for trespassing and peeping, “neighborhood watch” isn’t what I thought it was.
Apparently I`d rather debate in my mind whether or not to get up and pee than sleep.