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Just so you know, the movie "Life of Pi" has nothing to do with dessert.
I always get hammered before I go jogging, that way I never go jogging.
Jerry: Tom, you are a genius!.. Tom: Yeah, I am called that a lot... Jerry: What? Genius?... Tom: No, `Tom`
I`m not a control freak. I just know what`s best...for everyone.
If I had any self control I`d probably eat that too.
I`m just a boy, standing in front of a girl; not listening to a f*cking thing she`s saying. But nodding, lots of nodding.
Cant imagine the look on Obamas face when he saw `Olympus Has Fallen`..His next quote would have been.."No more Taiwans in the secret Elevetor office"
Only toilet paper deals with more a$$holes than I do.
It`s so hard being a single mom when you have no kids and are a male teenager.
Asking me if Iām hungry, is like asking me if I like money.
Nothing says "under the thumb" like a joint Facebook account
I bought the world`s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it`s terrible.
Did you guys know that turning up the radio fixes almost all your car problems?! Crazy.
I was trying to think of something really deep to post on Facebook this morning. The Mariana Trench comes to mind.
Friends are like boobs. Some are real, some are fake