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My girlfriend wanted me to show her a good time, so I showed her pictures of me before we met.
Your secrets are safe with me, because I probably wasn’t listening to begin with.
If you have a parrot and you don’t teach it to say,”Help, they’ve turned me into a parrot” ...you`re wasting everybody’s time.
I`m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out. We are going to watch tv.
I read in the Bible that people used to get stoned to death, that`s a lot of weed.
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like `Stabbyrabbit` or `Weaponrat`
25% of of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness. The other 75% are running around untreated.
What do we want? An end to auto-correct errors! When do we want it? Cow! Sow! Bow! Tow! Duck this...
Two can play that game...` -people who dont understand that`s how games usually work
If each day is a gift, I wonder where I can return monday.
Answering all questions with "but you ain`t got no legs Lieutenant Dan" stops people from asking you questions.
I have always wanted to start a brand of Christian themed lollipops and call them Catho-licks.
When suffering from insomnia I either count sheep or ask my girlfriend how her day was.
Rumors are like fires. No one admits to starting them and before you know it, they`re out of control.
"..all the king`s horses & all the king`s men couldn`t get Humpty together again" ... What guy thought horses might figure it out?