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Why go to a therapist when a woman will explain everything wrong about you free of charge?
I spend 95% of the time out of bed wishing I was back in bed
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
Having a favorite homeless person is weird, right?
Imagine, for a moment, what you could accomplish if you had the persistence and drive of the Adobe Acrobat Reader updater.
Ermegerd! I WON EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH!!!!! Again! I love being self employed..
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
You should have seen the guy who unlocked the liquor store this morning. It was like he never saw anyone roll up a sleeping bag before.
No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you. I just want the oil change
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said "seriously?" after a comment you made during an argument.
Adding "and sh!t" at the end of a sentence can make anything sound thug. Example: I was playing with my bubbles and sh!t.
"Nothing there? Better bark at it." - my dog
That awkward moment when kids see a toy they want on TV but the can`t get it because their parents must be 18 or older.
Arm wrestling is DEFINITELY the manliest sport where Two dudes hold hands...