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We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
Most advanced telescopes use mirrors so we really have no way to know how many vampires are in space
Why was the cat in the bag in the first place?
You can learn a lot about a woman by watching her load a gun.
I don`t know if I have a stalker, but if I do could you drop off some beer? Thanks
I thought I`d try yoga to make myself more flexible, but I`m still incredibly stubborn.
I`m tired of things costing money
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line.... *as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
Sixth in line to the throne takes on a different meaning when you’re not in the royal family but in a dive bar.
Her dad said he`d like to see me make an honest woman out of her. I had to resist the urge to tell him that ship sailed long before me.
Facebook should allow people to be in a relationship with food. That would be my relationship for eternity.
I still like going into Burger King and ordering a McWhopper and a McFry.
As I get older, I`ve learned to relax and not stress over trivial matters. Just kidding, I`m drunk.
Never underestimate the power of cleavage.
Twice-baked potatoes, refried beans, etc.: Damn, people, cook it right the first time or get out of the kitchen!