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Why is it socially acceptable to wear a bikini at the beach but not on the bus? At the end of the day I’m just a guy in a bikini on the bus.
I suffer from paranoid-schizophrenic indifference. I really don`t care what the voices in my head are saying behind my back.
My friend works at the morgue and apparently tonight is open mike night.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol? Me: Why? What`ve you got?
Me:"I had a dream about you." Girlfriend:"Awwwwww." Me:"Yeah, you died."
Why does Facebook even give me the option to `Like` my own status? Of course I like my status, I`m F*ck!ng Hilarious! ...and Sexy.
Breaking News: I took a bath today
The only way I`m coming to your wedding is if you get Me a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
I wonder if they let me grow cannabis on Farmville, I`ll be able to sell it on Mafia Wars?
I tried to open a can of WhoopAss,, but it popped like a can of biscuits and scared me.
My girlfriend is now mad at me because I didn’t know why she was mad at me.
Dear ladies, Not trying to impress you or anything, but I make my own sandwiches.
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says "and I didn`t brush my teeth, either."
I`m starting a pay it backward campaign. When I get up to the drive through window I tell them that the car behind me is going to pay for it.
The drunker I get, the more dance moves I know.