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When I`m bored, nobody texts me. But as soon as I`m busy, BAM! ... still nobody texts me.
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
I don`t eat a high fiber diet to be healthier, I eat so I`ll have to $hit more at work.
When my boss is in town, I set out pictures of kids on my desk. They aren`t my kids but he`d never fire a Mom of seven, right?
Amazon’s recommendations are like that friend who heard you say “ninja” once and then got you ninja stuff for your birthday every year for twenty years
Sometimes “Girl`s night out” means she has just taken her bra off
It`s never too late to follow your dreams. Unless your dream is to be a child actor, in which case yes, it`s too late.
It’s funny that old people need handicap parking spots but they always manage to pick up a penny off the ground.
Fact: Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
The only 2 things that I love and enjoy about being an adult is having sex and drinking alcohol.
I go on dates just to remind myself that being single is awesome.
All I`m saying is if I`m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
Friends are like slinkys, they are twisted as heck but you can`t help but laugh when they fall down the stairs.
My room isn`t messy. I just prefer to have my favorite items on display.
I Just bought a Ken doll. I don`t know what everyone`s talking about, you can`t read books on this thing