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I don`t know how many girls it takes to change a light bulb, but I guarantee we`d post pictures of us doing it on Facebook.
Sometimes I feel like giving up...Then I remember I have a lot of motherf*ckers to prove wrong
What do you mean I didn’t win, I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else.
I checked into a hotel this weekend. I told the girl I hoped the porn channel was disabled. She said "No, its just regular porn, you sicko"
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Sh!t Sherlock Research Institute.
I sometimes ask myself, "What would Jesus do?", and then I think, Jesus wouldn`t be caught up in this sh*t.
Someone asked me today if ive ever been with two women at the same time. But why would I want to disappoint two women at the same time?
Remember…it’s only embarrassing if you care what people think.
Facebook: Making stalking people much more convenient since 2004.
The trouble with children is that they´re not returnable.
Opening the Tupperware cupboard at home should be regarded as an extreme sport.
Learn a lesson from your dog. No matter what life brings you, kick some grass over that crap and move on.
If anyone is looking for an unlicensed helicopter pilot give me a call. . .
Love means never having to say you’re sorry until you`ve thought up a good excuse.
I decided to bury the hatchet with that neighbor I never got along with. After all, it is the murder weapon.