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I made a bucket list for when I kick the bucket. Number one: Wear shoes! Ever tried kicking a metal bucket without shoes? Hurt like hell.
Cauliflower is just broccoli ghosts.
I carry a knife, but it’s just in case of cake.
I wish I could afford to be as weird as I wanna be.
Its never polite to ask the guy at the next table "are you done with that?" Especially when he`s breaking up with his girlfriend.
Having children is a fantastic source of free labor.
I get a little nervous eating cucumber in a single woman`s home.
I’ve never had angry sex. I’m always happy and quite surprised that it is actually happening.
I wonder if people that live in Hawaii have screensavers of bumper to bumper traffic?
You`re either part of the solution, or you`re one of my coworkers.
If you respond to coworkers asking how your weekend was with turkey noises, they leave you alone.
I`m beginning to think that my destiny in life is just to be a bad example that other people can learn from.
Trust me... You don`t want my undivided attention.
I have a lot on my plate right now. Not busy, just hungry.
If Facebook isn’t a drug then someone please explain to me why I sneak into the bathroom at work to use it.