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I`m at the "what can I make with green beans and cake mix" stage of needing groceries
I find it ironic that it takes 12 steps to get a beer out of my fridge.
Despite the old saying, "Don`t take your troubles to bed," many women still sleep with their husbands.
Ahhhh, bad credit…the best identity theft protection.
What do you mean I didn’t win, I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else.
Having children is a fantastic source of free labor.
That awkward moment when you realize this year is just going to be filled with morons talking about the end of the world the whole time.
My wife complained that I never lifted a finger to help around the house. So I lifted a finger. Apparently, it was the wrong one.
My doctor told me, "DON`T mix this medicine with alcohol or you could wake up somewhere naked with a monkey on your arm." CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Here`s a joke for all you mind readers...
They say you are what you eat, though... I don`t recall eating a sexy beast today
"There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU." Things I say to my kids when we`re in public.
If ghosts existed, why are they all apparently from the last 100 years or so? Wouldn’t there be evidence of a Neanderthal ghost here and there?
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth. I woke up half an hour later & my whole apartment was on the internet.
I bet if you asked a one-eyed person, they`d tell you it really WAS all fun and games up until that point.