Daily Silly Status

The bible says you can`t buy your way into heaven but there isn`t a church in the country that won`t encourage you to try.

I drink one glass of red wine a day for my health. The rest of the bottle is because I like being drunk.

I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.

I hate when I´m laughing & my a$$ falls off.

To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me

The only correct answer to "Are you ticklish?" is "I will kill you."

The sperm bank is overpriced to store my stuff so if you come over, don`t use the cloudy ice cubes from the tray labelled "Future Champions"

What do people mean "get ready for bed"? I am ALWAYS ready for bed.

I saw a book titled Learning To Read For Dummies. At first I thought that sounded insulting, but then I realized anybody who would be insulted by that title wouldn`t even know what it says.

I try to live each day like it`s my last, which is why I rarely have clean socks. Who wants to wash socks on the last day of their life?

Love is... saving money to buy her shoes!

Why do people have to get ready for bed? I’m always ready for bed

At what age is it appropriate to tell my friends that they`re imaginary?

There are two types of people in this world: those who know how to handle stress, and those who need bail money.

Sharks aren’t so bad. If some stranger entered my house wearing only a Speedo, I would probably attack him too.