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Diet goal: I want to lose just enough so that my hand will fit comfortably in a Pringles can...
3 bottles of bleach: $15.00. One rope, 3 rolls of duct tape, and a shovel: $35.00. 3 boxes of trash bags: $10.00. The look on the cashier`s face: Priceless!
Went into a five-star hotel to use the bathroom and now it`s a two-star hotel.
Wish my girlfriend was awake, could really do with a sandwich right now.
Traffic jams are more tolerable if you just think of them as really boring parades.
Not to brag but when I push it, I push it real good.
I fake my LOLs
Sometimes I whisper, "I`m on your side" to the computers, just in case they ever succeed in taking over the world...
To the untrained eye, I`m quite handsome.
Well ... here I am ... cleverly disguised as a responsible adult!
Don`t mistake my middle finger as an offer.
A small child called 911 upon seeing a zebra because he thought a horse escaped from jail
I wouldn`t consider myself someone that litters but I do turn on my windshield wipers while im driving down the road to get rid of that useless flyer some idiot put on my car when I quickly run into the store.
I`m writing this status very slowly, cause I know you guys can`t read very fast.
This salad tastes like Iād rather be fat.