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It hurts when you goto unfriend someone only to discover they beat you to it
You don`t have to like me, I`m not a Facebook status.
If I ran NASA, it would be mandatory for the ground crew to be dressed as apes when the space shuttle lands.
Sometimes I think I`m a relatively smart person. Other times I put my shoes on before my pants and realize who I really am.
Why isn’t our beer color coordinated for all holiday occasions, instead of just St. Patricks Day?
Is it wrong to use cheat codes for Wii Fit.
What is an Amish girls favourite fantasy? Two Mennonite
Remember ... I can always make it look like an accident.
The bad news is I don’t know what I’m doing with my life. The good news is I no longer give a crap.
Relationships are like just-out-of-the-oven pizza. You know it`s going to burn you, but it looks so good and maybe this time it won`t?
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
It`s amazing how much more money I have when I`m drunk.
Neil Armstrong said "One small step for man...". I would`ve just said "OH MY GOD, I`M ON THE MOON!!!!!!".
My newsfeed looks like a cross between a Civil War Soldier and ZZ Top photo album.
Firemen must dread the moment when they`re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.