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Girls who say "alot of guys are after me" should keep in mind that cheap things always attract many customers.
"They Dared Me To" should be a legitimate excuse in a Court of Law.
If someone says you used too much butter or cheese on something, stop talking to them. You don`t need that kind of negativity
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm ... So I peed on her
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions
Boss: Why aren`t you working? Me: I didn`t see you coming!
I would eat a lot more healthy food if it required no preparation or stayed fresh as long as junk food.
A night of insomnia is usually followed by a morning of browser history clearing
Just knowing that I have successfully pissed you off again makes my day.
You know you`re married when you find her sexier with clothes on.
Well the Christmas tree is out of the house, and back on the rear view mirror.
Current relationship status: Leaving pizza and beer in the bushes, to lure in stalkers.
Bananas are the strippers of the fruit world.
One fun way to describe Facebook is “imagine you are a mind reader in Walmart.”
If by a blow job you mean blowing everything out of proportion then yes I totally rock at blow jobs.