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Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
I’ve been a sucker for boobies since the day I was born.
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
It`s Friday! High-five some sh!t!
Guuuyyyysssss, never ever play leapfrog with a unicorn.... Its not worth it.....
I`m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out. We are going to watch tv.
It`s so cold, I just got a $5 foot long from subway, but by the time I got back to my car it was only 6 inches.
boss- "You cant drink while your at work!" .. me- "Oh dont worry im not working!!"
Giving people the finger while driving just isn`t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
next time you`re at a movie point at the screen when a scene with extras are on and say to your buddy "look, there i am!" and see how many people look over at you in awe.
Why is it so hard to find an exercise bike with a nice little basket where I can put my nachos?
Dear ladies, Not trying to impress you or anything, but I make my own sandwiches.
I think I’m going to take a hot shower. It’s like a normal shower, but with me in it…
Life would be perfect if: Mondays were fun, junk food was healthy, drama didn’t exist, and goodbyes were only until tomorrow.
I`ve decided that throughout the time period starting with Thanksgiving, continuing on to Christmas and ending on New Years Day, the term `Calories" regarding all food shall be referred to as "Deliciousness Points."