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Who is this "Moderation" they keep telling me to drink with?
Whenever a little kid asks me to push him on the swing I remind him there are children his age in China making iPhones.
I would exercise, but then all the sprinkles would fall off my cupcake.
Just because they sell yoga pants in XXL doesn`t mean it`s ok to wear them in public.
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
I`d watch NASCAR if Hot Wheels designed the tracks.
Besides tweeting during this job interview, what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Life was much easier when apples and blackberries were fruits&& not phones
My son asked me to explain women to him, so I bought him an XBOX game for his Playstation.
This looks like a job for Superman! -unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
I would like to thank you people for letting me know its Friday every week. Its thoughts like this that keep me on Facebook.
I used to be in a band called "missing cat". You`ve probably seen our poster.
All my passwords are protected by amnesia.
Someone invited me to their dog`s birthday party on Saturday. What a freak! I am NOT coming to your dog`s birthday party! Besides, my cat is getting married that weekend!
The internet is full of cats because dog people actually go outside.