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Everyone is gifted. But not everyone opens their present.
Your secrets are safe with me, because I probably wasn’t listening to begin with.
I feel so stupid for cashing in my retirement account early. But then I always feel stupid using the Coinstar machine.
I wish there was an observation deck at WalMart.
Orange Hi-C counts as a serving of fruit, right?
99% of people in this world are stupid. Luckily I`m part of the other 5%.
I hate it when I put a status and you don`t like it,example this one.
Did you ever stop to think that maybe vodka is addicted to ME?
Don’t be upset that you’re single; be happy that someone isn’t ruining your life.
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
Don`t mix Viagra with Iron Supplements. It will cause you to spin around and point north.
Hopefully because of social networking, I`ve tarnished my reputation enough for anybody to ever place me in a role of great responsibility.
Depending on how you look at it, half of 8 could be 4, 3, or 0.
Making good decisions doesn’t really go with my outfit.
I`ll never need a shrink as long as my wife keeps pointing out whats wrong with me...