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My iPhone autocorrected "wish you were here" to "wish you were beer" ...I sent it anyways.
I`m going to be very disappointed if I go to England and nobody skips to the loo.
When I die and I`m standing at the gates, I hope they give me the carpenter`s cup challenge from Indiana Jones. I`m totally ready for that one.
If suppositories were just a bit smaller, they would be a whole lot easier to swallow...........................
I missed that one episode of The Walking Dead where they show us how the zombies keep everyone`s lawns so freshly mowed.
Laugh now because when I die, I`m coming back to haunt you.
Iām an only child, and Iām still not the favorite.
Do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don`t have to be there
Everyone can stop painting. We all have cameras that can take perfect pictures of everything.
Christmas tip: Wrap empty boxes and put them under the tree. Everytime your child acts up, throw one in the fireplace.
Alcohol is like laxatives for constipated thoughts. The more you drink, the more sh!t that comes out your mouth.
BESTFRIEND: the one you can get mad at only for a short period because you have important stuff to tell them.
I am convinced God only created six days and the devil added Monday.
With my eyes. That`s how I roll.
Today is boozeday, I mean Tuesday...same difference!