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My top 5 exercises: -Jumping to conclusions -Flying off the handle -Carrying things too far -Dodging responsibilities -Pushing my luck
I don`t really understand why women are expected to be able to cook if they can give blowjobs.
I was pretty sure that at this point in my career I would have henchmen by now!
That`s a horrible idea ... What time?
You`ve really got to hand it to short people, because sometimes they often can`t reach it.
No one in my family has ever actually used the Olive Garden gift card. We just keep passing it down from generation to generation.
I had the greatest bowel movement at 2am......unfortunately I woke up at 8am (<>..<>)
If money cant buy happiness,explain beer!
Life really is all down-hill once you get to big too ride in the shopping cart
I stopped paying my car payments to concentrate on my dream of appearing on a Repo show.
I`d probably get a lot more done if it wasn`t for me.
Pointing out the food you just dropped on the floor to your dog because you`re too lazy to clean it.
A dirty mind is f*cking beautiful!
I like to gaze up at the stars at night and think about how somewhere there is intelligent life that hates doing laundry as much as I do.
Printing an expiration date on a bag of Cheetos is just a waste of ink.